What does a doula DO?: demystifying the doula part two

So, why might someone benefit from having the support of a doula and what does a doula actually provide?

1. Physical preparation with various birthing positions to help baby navigate the unique shape of your pelvis, as well as encouraging birth to progress more effectively.

2. A deep-dive of your body on a physiological level, helping you to understand the birthing process from start to finish.

3. Education regarding your choices when it comes to birth. This might be expressed in a birth preferences document, helping you to understand what informed choice looks like when you need to make decisions for yourself and your baby.

4. An extra pair of hands for your birth partner, allowing them to be more present in the moment with you.

5. Exploration of any fears and concerns you might experience on the lead up to, and during birth, offering intentional emotional guidance.

6. A calm, and confident presence, there by your side through moments of fear and doubt, but also elation and joy - celebrating those moments with you.

7. Guidance to help you feel empowered and confident when it comes to your birth.

8. Holistic practices to help you deal with the intensity of the contractions.

Did you have a birth doula? What did their presence mean for you and your birth?

Suburbia: where the nature is honest, and peoples’ opinions are even more so

‘’That’s a beautiful painting. It reminds me of a Kanye album cover’’.

My partner and I visited our local secondhand shop, just a stone's throw from our house, to check out a painting that had caught his eye. An array of disregarded objects and knick knacks piled up past the wide shop windows, obstructing any natural light. It was the kind of setting that asked you to whisper, the silence too fragile. Concerned that our attempt to remove the painting would cause an avalanche of aged junk, we asked the owner if he could assist. 

Trudging behind the owner through his maze of treasured castoffs, he led us to the till. The price felt fair and we both revelled in a small wave of dopamine. Yum consumption, but the honest kind. 

‘’Yes it's a beautiful painting and it's from Westland. They’re for zwarte Piet. I'm for zwarte Piet’’.*

A blunt, prepared statement left the owner’s mouth. Dopamine bubble burst, I couldn't think of anything to say in Dutch; I was becoming pretty confident at expressing myself in Dutch, but level B1-B2 hadn't addressed "colonial attitudes and racism’’ just yet. No need, society was schooling me.

‘’That's racism’’ I mustered up.

‘’No, it's tradition’’ he confidently answered. 

He then went on to explain more ignorant views, appearing very proud of himself. My heart was broken. I was immediately transported back to life in the UK 20 years ago. Where experiences of my mixed family never landed with my white friends. Where the topic of race was only allowed to be a sharp discussion. Where ignorant views were fired on the grounds of traditional English pubs, full pints in hand.

Both in shock, we left with little words, one painting richer. Gingerly putting it down on the floor of our living room like a new puppy who just peed all over the carpet, we stood back and assessed the level of sting the painting now possessed. For the first time since leaving Amsterdam, I was faced with the reality of the progressive bubble being popped, and the person who held the rusty pin.

Calling on my parents for wisdom, their words soothed the hurt like a gentle balm, helping me to come to terms with the attitude of the ignorant man. My brain impetuously troubleshooted ways I could make a stance in my neighbourhood without losing any front windows: what about posters on my windows? Not the best for keeping them or making neighbourhood friends, but it would be a statement. I felt afraid for the repercussions of speaking out, but I felt even more fearful of who would be, if I said nothing.

*The debate over Zwarte Piet, a character in Dutch holiday traditions, boils down to its portrayal as a Blackface figure, which is a racist stereotype. Critics say the character reinforces harmful racial images, while some defenders insist it's just a harmless part of their culture. This disagreement has sparked a lot of discussion and protests both in the Netherlands and elsewhere.

Lucid

Life is about balance. I cannot give a part of myself to everyone and still expect to be whole when I return home.

I can learn to keep more parts for myself. With that comes a needed acceptance. An acceptance that there will be more distance.

I might sense space as silence,

I might interpret ‘I cannot’ as rejection,

I might notice discomfort in feeling more clear,

I might yearn to fill the space.

There’s a fear that the closer I step towards myself, the further I distance from others. We’re told to ‘manifest’, ‘ask for what you want’, ‘there’s no list too long’, ‘you can live it all’, ‘all you need is to believe, act and GO’, ‘everything you want in your hands’.

Where’s the manifesting cues for mental maintenance? For deepening your connection with yourself and learning others?

I desire a quiet life. Yet also crave a world that reflects that. A world where the noise dial is turned down. Where the joys we shout from the roof are joys from our love for others. 🤎

My first doula journey: from ‘novice to expert’

Yesterday I wrapped up my very first trajectory as a birth doula for a young family in my area, here in The Netherlands. We began our partnership back in September after a friend of mine connected us.

We quickly realised that we could help one another; I wanted to gain experience offering my birth coaching services and they sought support during a precious and delicate time in their lives. Sadly, my clients were not satisfied with their previous birth experience so this motivated them to take the situation into their own hands and incorporate a doula.

In all honesty, it felt like a huge leap of faith for this family to entrust such a sacred moment in my care. However, from the get-go, the confidence that they placed in me only reinforced what I already knew: I know what I am doing. I am meant to be doing this. We all start off as beginners. And if not now, when? As Amy L. Gilliland would say, I am a novice, on my way to being an expert. For me, it’s not about achieving a certain status amongst my peers in the birth scene, arriving at a set number of births or having the best social media presence (even though my ego draws me to these things from time to time). It’s about what lessons and perspectives I can gather along each stage of my journey, being present, and creating a positive impact for others so they can conquer childbirth with confidence.

For every couple that I work with, the trajectory can look a little different, as it’s shaped based on their personal wishes and needs. There’s always room to increase the frequency of meetings, for me to join midwife appointments or to incorporate extra contact moments and even yoga sessions.

So, what did my doula support for this couple look like?:

✨ First, the mother and I had a quick phone call to introduce ourselves and briefly discuss what the parents were looking for. A few days later I received a text saying we were a match!

✨ We started off our collaboration with a detailed intake session at their place — this is an opportunity to discuss any fears, apprehensions and hopes for the birth. If this is not their first birth, we discuss how their previous experience/s shaped them and influenced their current decisions. Of course, I ask: why do you want the help of a doula and what do you expect from me?

✨ We followed up with 2 prenatal sessions — here we discuss the physiology of birth and how this might feel, emotions that can arise during birth, various birthing positions and comfort measures to deal with the strong sensations that often come with birth, as well as the birth-plan

✨ From weeks 38- 42 I am on call — so I am ready to join the family whenever they need me. During this time, I hold space for the parents to reach out regarding their latest updates and to share any concerns. I find this an important moment to stay close to one another, and as we get closer to delivery day, every little detail can be of significance. So, nothing is too small to share!

✨ I was called to join the family for the birth in the evening. When I arrived, the mother was breathing through her contractions in the bath. She later moved to a birthing pool which she seemed to love. I helped to guide them through a powerful yet peaceful home birth. It was touching to see the couple utilise the tools we had practised in our prenatal sessions. It was even more beautiful to witness how the parter supported the mother through every single contraction. I spent most of my time sitting calmly and tuning in with the mother and what she might need in this intimate moment. Throughout the labour I also made some photos (safe to say I had a little cry looking back at them). The baby was then born safely and the maternity nurse arrived. After the family were settled, I cleaned up the birth space and went home

✨ Around a week or so after the birth, I popped in on the family for our first postnatal session to see how they’re were doing and if they needed anything. I brought along some herbal tea and flowers (after which I remembered, flowers: not the best idea for a family with a newborn)

✨ A few months later, we had a closing postnatal session to discuss how they had both experienced the birth, as well as any last points of feedback. We closed off in a positive manner with a cuddle, lots of gleaming faces and a family photo for my personal memory book

So what did my client think?

🪷 Both parents noted that my calming energy was infectious for everyone in the birth environment — especially the birthing partner. Just being there and holding emotional and energetic space encouraged them to experience the same sense of calm and thus trust for the process

🪷 The prenatal sessions proved to be extremely helpful tools for the parents to grab if and when they needed. For example the massage techniques came in handy on the lead up to birth as well as during. This helped them to feel empowered in a situation that had previously overpowered them

🪷 By regularly checking in with my client before the birth, it allowed her to share any fears or concerns that arose and reminded her that she was supported and had a whole team around her who would not leave her side

It was a blessing to have been welcomed into such a delicate space with another family. After our concluding chat, everyone was very positive about the outcome and the words of my client: ‘the government should subsidize women getting a doula’, will remain with me.

These words propel me forward on my journey in facilitating empowering births and educating couples on what they can control and how to surrender to what they cannot.

Safe Places

Thinking about safe places.

That feeling after you’ve had an exhausting day and sink into the familiarity of your own sheets.

If you’re lucky, where your body and mind is able to surrender and shed the skin of the day. Allowing you to drift into a gentle space of being held.

Lingering between awakeness and drifting away to the evening sea.

I’d never considered this to be as much of a privilege as I do now.

In birth, a sense of safety is so important. It helps our body to let go, trust and be open.

Feeling watched, judged or pressured will only create resistance to the process and potentially limit your body’s natural urges to help. That’s why your birthing environment is imperative.

Think about what safety looks like for you now. How would this translate into your birthing environment? Think about sounds, visuals, the people present, touch. How can you be held?

Conscious Gathering

Work in progress

In the past, I’ve questioned the motives behind my tendency to over-plan the agenda when it comes to gathering with others. Do I actually want to be around others, or am I doing it because it’s what’s expected of me in a society that rams achievement, social success and being seen down our throats? Do I crave honest connection or simply want to keep my seat warm in some relationships? Am I even taking the time after being with others to ask myself if I enjoyed it and if I want to do it again?

There is an art to gathering

In the ‘The Art of Gathering’, Priya Parker introduces the idea that to have a fulfilling, conscious gathering of any kind (personal and professional), some reasonable thought should go into planning it. In short: consider who you’re inviting, what your role as a host is, where you want to host, what you want the activity to be and what you want the attendees to get out of it. Rather than throwing a dinner party because it’s the most practical way to catch up with multiple friends, Priya encourages us to consider, why do we even do it in the first place?

Whilst ‘catching up’ might seem like a logical justification when meeting with loved ones, if we dive deeper, perhaps the original purpose was once far more profound. Gathering with other people can be soothing, it can connect us to a sense of community and if we’re lucky, we might get to exchange ideas in fruitful and productive conversations. If we’re even more lucky, we can leave these interactions feeling motivated for change, or simply contained in acceptance and love from those around us. So what about the other times?

Sitting in the stale zone

Some of my more recent social interactions have been rather unintentional. Whilst the ‘let’s see how we feel on the day’ approach can allow for more present behaviour, it can also swing in the complete opposite direction and pave the way for a low-energy interaction. I recently attended a very thoughtfully planned birthday celebration of a newer friend and afterwards I left feeling like I’d just woken up. The celebration consisted of a sound bowl healing, followed by a carefully considered Ayurvedic lunch. We allowed our host to guide and tenderly direct the purpose of our meeting. It prompted me to consider, how long had it been since I’d come out of a social setting feeling present and excited and what am I so scared of when it comes to hosting more intentionally? Being around fresh faces, who aligned with a common goal, allowed me to be myself; and all the new versions of myself that had evolved over the years.

Desire for more depth

A significant amount of my socialising has been determined by by idea of ‘I should’ rather than a desire to contribute and receive energy from others. Since moving out of a city, I feel closer to myself and what I need to thrive or recharge: a slow pace and a gentle life. This slowing down has stimulated some consideration about how I am spending the rest of my time and if it’s being kept as sacred as when I’m at home.

Rituals as a gateway for connection

Introducing rituals to gatherings can be a powerful catalyst for forging connection and shared meaning. I’ve got a love-hate relationship with rituals. In times when I am in less of a flow-state, I notice resistance to any planned activities as it can feel too forced or even phoney; avoidant for what might come up. Yet, in times of flow, when I’m more in touch with my softness and thus myself, I seem to welcome activities that spark connection — with myself and others.

A few rituals that I’ve experienced as facilitating meaningful meetings:

Eating in silence for the first 5 minutes of a shared meal

• After some opening words to introduce your shared space, eating in silence for the first 5 minutes can be a beautiful way to remain present in the space and with the food and flavours you’re experiencing. After those 5 minutes are up, share with the group if anything interesting arose

Conversation starters or spiritual cards

• Laying out a spread of cards and inviting people to choose them can be a subtle way to nudge some thoughts and feelings to the surface. I love this activity because it draws people to gather and creates a natural setting for sharing

Group meditation

• When a gathering has a clear intention like a baby blessing, a group meditation helps to set the tone for the rest of the day, encouraging everyone to take a moment to check in with themselves and to connect with the group

Growth beyond the borders

Whether the judgements and opinions come from ourselves or others, it can be daunting to challenge societal norms. But as I’ve recently discovered when opening up to friends about this topic, you might not be the only one seeking change. And if you are the only one, there’s nothing wrong with personal expansion and creating new connections that align with a desire to live more intentionally

Define doula: demystifying the doula part one

Define doula

Typically, a birth doula is someone who serves other women during birth, acts as a birth companion or a non-medical birth worker. Doulas compliment the work of midwives and/or other medical practitioners who might support a birth.

Doulas offer extensive emotional and physical support for pregnant people and their birth partner/s; who are also experiencing birth in their own way. Whilst the emphasis is on the birthing person, the birth partner plays an important role (should there be one present). Of course not everyone will have a birth partner and this is where having a doula can be highly valuable.

Each doula has their own preference of whether they support hospital, birth centre or home births; I personally support all of these.

So why have a doula?

Doulas help to break down the birth process in detail (from a physiological perspective; what changes can I expect from my body during birth?, a practical perspective; what‘s the process if I birth at home, a birth centre or hospital?, to an emotional perspective; how can I cope?, how will I react when it all starts to happen?, how can ensure I have the support I need?).

Benefits of hiring a doula

Many women report that the presence of a doula in the birthing space can already be enough to offer reassurance and comfort before any action is actually taken. Simply sitting next to a client can have a calming effect.

That being said, research also shows that having the support and wisdom of a doula can lead to reduced c-section rates, a shorter labour, fewer interventions, an improved experience and stronger newborn health. Powerful stuff huh? Read on to discover how the powerful doula influence unfolds.

What does a doula ‘do’?

• Offer presence. First and foremost, the role of a doula is to show up and be there for you (at every stage of the birth trajectory); gently honouring and respecting the sacred space that you are developing within yourself on your journey to becoming a parent

• Consider what you might need before jumping into action. Whilst our training is invaluable for understanding certain elements of the birthing process, doulas often rely on intuition and subtle hints to connect with the type of support that you might need. Not all support is visible to the naked eye, energetic forces play a significant role; especially in birth when your senses are heightened

• Educate and empower you to make informed choices, helping you to feel in control and in the lead of your own birth

• Encourage you to connect with yourself, your partner and your baby through meaningful exercises; birth is a community experience

• Share birth positions, movements, comfort measures and practical tactics that can help to ease the discomfort and intensity of labour

• Provide unwavering emotional support, helping you to feel a sense of confidence, safety, love and even excitement for your birth ahead

Quick wins if you decide not to hire a doula

For many people hiring a doula isn’t an option. Below I’ve shared some handy elements to bolster up your birth prep:

• Write a birth plan to be clear about your needs and expectations — you’ll find lots of suggestions online for relevant topics to include. Be sure to discuss this with your health care provider as you near your due date

  Take a short childbirth education class. If you have a birth partner, I highly recommend attending together. Some midwife practices offer ‘centering pregnancy’ courses which can be incredibly valuable and help you to build community with other mothers — I love the Amstermam practice in Amsterdam

• Research breathing exercises to support you as well as the role of hormones during labour

• Consider creating a postpartum plan and preparing your help for this delicate period. Can you rest for 5 days in, 5 days on and 5 days around the bed? If not, what support can you gather to allow you a decent period of rest?

• Buy some books on labour to understand what to expect and how to prepare — Penny Simkin and Ina May are fantastic places to start. If you’re a more visual person, try the powerful @Badassmotherbirther or @Christianhypnobirthing accounts for inspiration

• Lookup some ‘mama hang’ events in your area to build your own network - the Labour Dept in Amsterdam throw a variety of community activating events

Over the coming weeks, I’ll be creating more posts to demystify the doula universe.

Binging on clean air feels nothing short of a luxury

Since I was 16, my parents have lived in France. Prior to having the balls to fully commit to the region, they would drag my sister and I to their holiday home, every summer — for weeks on end. Serious preparation was needed and the Citroen Picasso would be stacked from floor to ceiling. Any worries were deemed temporary and to be abandoned as soon as the ferry departed from Dover. Positive attitudes were mandatory; the stakes seemed too high for my parents.

The summer days rolled into one another like the clouds that endlessly covered the sky. Occasionally, a sun ray would escape, as if by accident. Once I caught the beam of light projecting onto the stone floor, I would sprint outside and launch myself onto a sun lounger. After about 45 minutes of shivering restlessly, I’d scurry inside to examine my non-existent tan lines in the bathroom mirror. Disappointed with my efforts, I’d slump around the house in my bare feet, on the hunt for something else to ‘do’.

Those ‘boring’ summers must have planted a seed. Coming home with a ripened perspective and some new priorities in my pocket makes me feel like I’m returning somewhere new. Waking up surrounded by the sounds of whispering trees, metal tea spoons tracing tea cup edges, under the gentle murmuring of my parents in conversation, feels like a precious gift.

Please, someone tell me I’m there.

Crouching in a makeshift tent, kissed by the morning sun. Melancholic of all the missed moments to come. He daydreams of another predicament. When he was naive, he longed for the facade of freedom. Unlike his freedom, his dream evolved throughout his lifetime. ‘Free-doom’ took on a new meaning. Now, forgoing his own unrealised dreams, his pained spirit yearns for something much simpler, yet so seemingly complex for the rest of the world. The trembling bones that attempt to support his body ache for a proper ceasefire, so he can finally go home and dig through the wreckage in the hopes of finding his wife. He must put her to rest.

Without vigour or dazzle, the autumn sun casts upon the sloping edges of his tent, assembled by the roadside. Missiles have destroyed the pavement’s past; an entire memory of Palestinian footprints erased. A haunting breeze scatters debris from the rubble onto the tops of his bare feet. In his mind, he still recalls the explosions, claiming discarded and premature dreams. A dust of desperation sprinkles itself on top of limbs and missing voices. Land of the free. Why does it deserve to materialise only for a select few?

His name won’t be ushered within the international arena, his number will; a line on a tally chart gathering too much momentum, part of another infographic shared on social media by those who dare to speak.

Holding out his hands, he raises them up in front of his eyes. Turning the palms up to face the sharp blue skies, he slowly examines his wrists, fingertips, nails, looking for clues to indicate a reason for the injustice inflicted on his people. Will he find it in the colour of his skin, or in the threatening look of defiance in his eyes? Perhaps the explanation does not lie in his appearance but in the veins of the fertile land that stream beneath him in the ground, in his land that may not belong to him.

His dear ones have perished. He has no home to seek refuge. Even his memories are stolen. He weeps. He is not alone. He is joined by so many others. The company, a guilty comfort.

Step out

Step outside of tendencies.

‘It’s my normal state’, ‘it’s who I am’, ‘I am likely to be…’.

My soul, my being is not naturally,

Anxious, reserved, worrisome, not carefree,

No, that’s assigned to me, by society.

Yet I hold onto those restrictive qualities.

Why am I petrified of stepping outside the marking,

Of discovering, acknowledging her and truly seeing me?

Is it a fear of overexposure, of vulnerability?

There to be laughed at, humiliated?

Humiliator and humiliatee.

The power is mine, the only private ownership I’ll have in this lifetime when it comes to society.

If I hold the power, it’s means I’m not giving it away, I am the possessor, albeit uncomfortably.

I’ll tend to my inner sanctuaries,

Enjoy the blossom, not fearful for once of my seasonality.

Rebirth

Staring out at a great expanse,

a space so wide,

you wish to be swallowed up whole by it,

comforted by the soft soil tumbling on your skin like old coffee grind,

layering a delicate weight on your body; a weighted blanket from nature,

sealing off the noise, the distraction,

replaced by deafening silence.

Finally, your mouth filled with soil,

you can breathe.